If We Hold On Together

A long time ago, about 15 years to be exact, my Grandpa died.

I was young, but felt so old and mature at the time. 

The world was in front of me, full of goals, dreams and plans.

I had a brand new beautiful baby, named Kinley.  She was the only great-grandchild that he held.
Kinley was full of words, laughter, and energy.

Jon and I were struggling newly weds, and on the 23rd of December when my old friend passed away, 

I was embarking on the second phase of my life.  I had finished the beauty of an innocent, carefree, childhood, and opened the door and walked face first into adult kinds of worries,

 that I was too naive to fully digest.

When I heard my Grandpa had died, I cried.

I loved him more than anyone, other than my own parents.

I respected him so much, that when I found out I was pregnant at the premature age of 19,

I came personally to tell him.  It was just as hard as it was to tell my mom and dad.  But I did.  It was important to me that he heard from my own mouth, and not from whatever random person ended up 

sharing such a personal, large thing.

He was kind, and considerate of my spirit.

He hugged me, and told me that all would be well.

He promised that my world would go on, and that although I wasn't finishing my college education 

as I had planned, my life's work would continue, only in a different way.  

He told me he was proud of me, and knew I would be a great mother.

I listened to him though tears, and felt that he knew what he spoke of.  I was scared, and confident all at the same time.  I felt, I was on a path that would take me somewhere special, where, I didn't know.

As I look back, over the years, I feel as if he has been here all along. Just in a different way than  mortals understand.  I believe he has endured my hardships, and wept by my side.  I believe he  marveled at our challenges overcome, and smiled proudly.

I know he understands me, maybe even more than while he was on earth.  

And somehow, know he held my children, before they left heaven and came to live with us.

He asked them to watch out for me.

He reminded them to smile, and not waste one single day.

He shared his special talent of Love and Devotion.

During his funeral, all of the kids sang "Don't Lose Your Way" from the movie "Land Before Time".

I remember rehearsing it in our old white, Bronco, in front of a run down abandoned cabin that we used to stay in in Scipio, Utah.  We didn't have money for a real vacation, so we talked an old farmer into letting us use it.  It had been built by the pioneers, at least a hundred years previous.

The first time we found it, we were goose hunting on Scipio lake.  It was a large pristine body of water, that was set behind the Manti Lasal mountains.  It was colder than anything I could imagine, but somehow welcoming.  We frequented the area, and decided on this day to check out the old 

home stead.  When we walked inside, we discovered things that had lay untouched for many years.  Old rusty tools, and a hand of 5 cards lay face up on the table, covered in layers of dust.

I believe that cabin saved Jon's life.

During the month he was taking the mis-filled prescription, he would travel to Scipio to hunt.

Sometimes with people, and other times totally alone.  One night, he passed out outside of the cabin and nearly froze to death.  It was November, and temperatures were no doubt below freezing.  

He remembers seeing wolves circle him, and not knowing if it was real or not. Luckily, Jon's dad had felt strongly to drive a few hours to the cabin to check on him.

He was alone.

But as I look back now, I have no doubt that he was being protected from the elements.

Jon was supposed to live, for me, and for his little family that cared so much about him.

I also believe as I look back, that during months and years without much of our own personal food,  my Grandpa led angels to us.

In preparation for Grandpa's funeral, I sat in the old Bronco and practiced the following song as 

Kinley laid in her car seat, as I rewound the cassette player over and over again.

Sydney was about 4, and sitting in the back seat singing with me.

**************

Today I was sitting on my bed reading "A River Runs Through It", when Kinley came in and started playing my Grandpa's song.  I put down the book, and looked up at her.  Memories of the funeral came flooding back to me, and my eyes threatened to release the tears that live behind them, once a loved one dies.  She looked at me and said, "I am sorry Mom, I shouldn't have played it."  I let her know that it wasn't a bad thing to remember the people that we love, it is just emotional.

She finished playing her the song, and I listened to the words.....

Don't lose your way
With each passing day
You've come so far
Don't throw it away

Live believing
Dreams are for weaving
Wonders are waiting to start
Live your story
Faith, hope and glory
Hold to the truth in your heart

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I

Souls in the wind
Must learn how to bend
Seek out a star
Hold on to the end

Valley, mountain
There is a fountain

Words are swaying
Somebody is praying
Please let us come home to stay

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I

When we are out there in the dark
We'll dream about the sun
In the dark we'll feel the light
Warm our hearts, everyone

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
As high as souls can fly
The clouds roll by
For you and I

After it ended, I decided it was time to go make the kids dinner. 

I was tired, and a bit emotional as I walked downstairs to the kitchen.   After a minute, Ella walked in and said, "MOM!  Look at this bow and arrow that I made!" and she had, it was amazing!  She had taken a string and wood, and bent it perfectly to send the arrow sailing to her appointed target.

Part of me wanted to ignore this new development, seeing as it had come up past my energy threshold for the day.  Then, I  reminded myself of my goal of *Living in the Present*, and conjured up some energy to ask about it.  After all, it was darling!

 She showed me her work of art, and Kinley and I were indeed impressed!  I asked if we could take a picture, and of course she agreed.

 

About ten minutes later, Kinley walked upstairs to show me the pictures.  I was sitting in my bed, blogging this post about my Grandpa.  I don't know about you, but in my world I believe in spirits.  I believe that we were spirits before we came to earth.  I believe we have spirits within us as we live on earth, and I believe that after we die, our spirit continues on. 

I also believe that my Grandpa was with me tonight, as I thought of him and his love.  These pictures to me, are a reminder of his presence.  When I saw them, I was quiet.  Kinley and I both smiled knowingly, because it isn't the first time that a round orb has shown up in our pictures when speaking of loved ones that are passed on.  More clearly with a digital camera, but even with the iphone it showed up.  Who knows if it is a real phenomena or not, but the timing of it happening always makes sense.  Orbs can be caused by dust, or water.

 When my Uncle Ethan died (mandy's dad), we saw them in every picture we took in multiple cameras, whether it be inside, outside, or during the funeral. Sometimes we laugh,
and sometimes our eyes just get big. Who knows...? But it entertains us every time.

I kissed Kinley, and she went to bed. 

A few minutes later, Mandy called.  One person that I know my soul is connected to, in many ways.  "Mandy, I can't believe you just called!" and I went on to explain that Kinley and I had just been talking about her dad, and my Grandpa.  

We caught up, and shared our support for one another.

We thanked our Heavenly Father for family seen and unseen, that watches out for us.

And, we laughed at the simplicity of it all.