Before I start the next series in the story of Handsome, I want to give a big thanks for Handsome's "nana" for sharing her side of the process. This story has touched many people's lives on both sides of the equation...and together we wanted to share a story of adoption that worked out for everyone involved.
We also wanted Handsome to hear the story through both view points and understand that he was very loved and we were all on the same page. We all wanted the best for him and hope to relate that through these posts. At some point when Handsome is older, I will have him read this. I believe he will catch a glimpse of the endless love we all have for him.
*Thank you Na Na!!*
My dearest Grandson,
I am writing you this letter in hopes that one day you will be able to read this and understand parts of life, and why they happen, and for reasons that they happen.
I am your Na Na or (grandma) but you called me Na Na. You were the very most important thing in my life including my three children, your auntie, and Unkie, and then most of important your mamma, but I am going to go back for a minute and explain a couple of things to you if that is OK?
I was placed for adoption when I was 3 days old. My mother and father could not have children at the time so they eventually signed up for LDS Social Services in hopes to be able to adopt. I am the oldest of 5. I have a brother that you were very close to and you loved going over to his house to play and wear his little boys cowboy boots. They were the first thing that you would go and find because you loved them so much and then to walk around on his hard wood floors to just hear your little foot clomps on the floor and then you would look at us and just smile! My brother has severe Epilepsy, but do not worry it does not fall into your family genes because I was adopted and so was he.......but you loved going over there to play and cuddle with my brother, your mamma's uncle, and your great uncle.
Next there is my sister.......She too has a lot in common with many things she was adopted and she too placed a baby girl up for adoption about 11 years ago, but you lived there with her and your mamma for about 7 months you were very spoiled.....and then my sister gave you your very first haircut of which we loved watching because you thought that you were the man!!!!! You loved getting your haircut.....and then when your mamma decided to give you more of a life to two people that could provide you with more, she also gave you your last haircut with us. It was very emotional and I cried, your great auntie cried while she cut your hair and your mamma cried, but your mamma and daddy were very proud they were there also. Matter of fact she cut your hair to look like your daddy's!!!!!
Then there is my other sister and your other great-auntie.....She is a special ed teacher. Then I have my last sister and she just loved you like no other she loved to feed you hold you and comfort you, but she was pregnant herself for the first time. She and her husband were so happy they were finally going to have a baby after several tries. You were a very important child in our lives!!!!!
We loved you like no other.
My mother your great grandma loved you my father your great grandfather loved you, there was so much love to go around that it was so unreal! As I grew older I was about 15 years old when I found out that I was pregnant with your mamma and with me being adopted I felt like I wanted to take on the chore of raising this baby as my own. My mother and father were against that and told me that I needed to place, but as normal teenagers do, they rebel of which I did.........
The question in all of this is was I sorry for rebelling at the time?
No... I had a baby and she was a girl and then my dad told me that I had to marry the father of the child because he did not want the child to be born out of wed lock, so we did. We married and then I had two more kids your unkie and then your auntie.......but my marriage did not last. I tried so hard to make things happen but, things in life are just to different and to hard to understand when you grow and mature more then 15 years old, and thought that I knew everything. I was 26 when we divorced.
Later on, I met the man of my dreams.
You called him Gampa....it was so cute. But I was diagnosed with cancer so I had to have emergency hysterectomy which then ended me from being able to have any children with him, but I had my three and that was okay with him. We loved each other and loved the kids to no end, but then something happened when your mamma was 14, she was pregnant. I was sad at first hoping that she would of learned from what I went through seeing how hard it was for me to struggle with life, with kids, and being a single mamma, because that was what she was going to be a single mamma.
Your father was not an active part at all. (All of this we can talk about when you are much older to know better.) but that did not stop your mamma from loving you at all, but the type of person that I am... I was sad, but then I heard that little heart beat in the doctors office and then saw that little baby on the ultra sound and I loved you more then you will ever know!
I cried when I heard that little beat.
You mother was trying to decide what she wanted to do.... keep or place, and I wanted to do for her what my parents did for me. Be there for her in the decision that she made. She wanted to keep you, and love you. So when I found out her choice she went to therapy and counseling to help her with that fact that she was going to be a young single mother.
I have to admit though I went shopping clothes shopping for you, I wanted you to have the world and on a silver platter. I think at first I bought you 20 0-3 months clothes, and then 15 3-6 months....and it went on and on your mamma even told me,
"Mom stop, he is going to out grow these before he can even wear them."
but I wanted you to be happy and comfy and stable.
Your mamma went into labor and then after 2 hours of pushing, here you came with dark hair and beautiful eyelashes. Everything about you was so perfect I cried. Your mamma cried, and then they had to take you to NICU. You were born with a lot of free air around your lungs, so they had to draw all of that air out, so you were there for a week, but we came in all the time and sat by your side holding your little hand rubbing your little face, loving you as every mother and grandmother would.
Finally you came home, but certain things of which I will explain later it was not to my home but another, and then shortly after that to my sisters your great aunts, you came home to my house and your mamma came home when you were 7 months old. Boy did I smother you! Your mamma was the best little mamma that you could of asked for. She loved you, held you and never took you to babysitters. Where you were, she was. I even tried to watch you when she would get in the bath, but no it was, "Handsome is going to get in with me."
That is what she called you all the time from the minute your were born,
Something happened in July of 2010 that started to make your mamma's life go down hill,
but her eyes were open and you were almost 19 months old when she said,
"Mamma, he needs more, he needs a mamma and a daddy, he needs financial support, he needs moral support, more then just what I can give."
I was mortified because by this time every morning I would hear little foot steps come to my bedroom door knock and say, "Na Na", you would come in and lay with me and we would sing, and play, then get up and you would go to school with your mamma.
I could not bare to loose any of that, I couldn't loose any of that.
By this time we were having a hard time in the church. Instead of facing our demons, I started smoking again and loosing faith in the important things in life. I even started teasing saying that I was a Born Again Christian, (which I wasn't).
Then the phone call came in from your mother now........I can not lie my heart dropped, I did not know what I was going to do. At first was I going to say, "I am sorry but you have the wrong number?"
No, because after she called you walked into the room and looked at me like you knew who was on the other line. I then set up a time to go down there to meet your future mamma and daddy.